Happy Birthday to Me!

I just turned 27 years old, and for the first time in my life I've celebrated with a long birthday weekend!

This is a big deal.

This is actually monumental for me.

Children of narcissistic mothers do not get to have celebrations.

Graduating from high school and then from college were not as joyous as one would hope because my mother was hungry and "ready to go".

My mother took it upon herself to inform everyone at my engagement party that she was sooooo  happy for the occasion because I'd been depressed and crying watching my friends get engaged before me....which was not true. Was I anxiously longing and awaiting? Yes! But depressed and weeping? Not quite.  ( Even if it WERE true....why would you share that with everyone in attendance?)

My sister and I were usually in tears by the end of our birthdays growing up because mother had found some reason to lecture/discipline us...usually revolving around the fact that we were not giving her enough credit for bringing us into the world.

Even when I moved 6.5 hours away, the mind-control and fear followed all the way up I-95, and every holiday and celebration was full of dread, counting down the hours until I would talk with her on the phone.

Am I calling her today?
Will she call me?
When is too late to call?
When is too early to call?
How long will the conversation have to last?
What will we talk about?
I can't sound too happy or occupied or she will go on complaining about how nice it must be for me to have a social life and how lonely she is. 

My mind wouldn't stop racing, but not this year.

NOT THIS YEAR.

This year, I would breathe easy.

Thursday, I ate M&Ms for dinner, and they were delicious. THEN, my aunt arrived from South Carolina and was describing delicious southern fish and grits....so my husband, aunt, and I got up and drove to get some delicious Sea Food and I ate again...a wonderful fried flounder sandwich with sweet potato fries...and it was amazing!! I've lost over 20 lbs in the last 3 months with dedication, and I was going to enjoy myself!! And I did!

Friday, my aunt ventured to camp with me! We had a great time, and my kids sang happy birthday to me, and some even made me cards. After work, we chilled and had a mini-marathon of So You Think You Can Dance.

Saturday (birthday!), I had to breathe and tell myself it is ok to not answer the phone if my mom calls. I also had to breathe and tell myself it is ok to live happily if she doesn't call, and my life is better for it. Hopefully it means that she realizes I will not subject myself to her abusive mind games any longer, and I do not need her approval to be happy. There are better birthday gifts in life than well-wishes from someone who loves so conditionally.

My father called me, and I couldn't answer because I was in a Spa waiting room. My husband arranged for me to get an hour long massage and then a 15 minute Hydro massage. *woah* It was amazing and so needed.  -Breathe -  My father is not my mother. He will not be upset that I could not stop my life and would not disturb others with my phone conversation just to appease him. My father will still love me and be kind when I call him later.

My aunt (who looks remarkably like my mother) was with us as we went from birthday surprise to birthday surprise, and I had to breathe and realize that she was happy to celebrate with me....not sad that we did not make the day all about her since she travelled to join us.

What is this existence? Am I actually celebrating with people who actually want to celebrate me?

Sunday, we went to church and then Mango Mangeaux! Delicious food! More celebration!

I wasn't quite sure what structure to give this blog entry, but since we are documenting evolution, I just wanted to provide a quick overview of a few days of this past week and how I decided to have a happy birthday instead of letting myself go down the spiral?

Why doesn't my mother want to celebrate with me?
I've lost so many chances to celebrate. 
She doesn't want to call me. Should I call her?
Should I call her?
Should I call her?
It's really just like any other day.
No one will want to celebrate me. They've got better things to do. 


I decided to silence those voices, and as a result, I've had the best birthday of my life, and I'm looking forward to many many more.

My Darkness and the Infinite Power of my Light......Finding ME!

I turned 36 today, I'm warm and clammy, my body aches, my head pounds, congested beyond belief, stuck in bed. I scroll through the 89 happy birthday post that I had received by 12:20 pm, June 26, 2016. I'm touched by the amount of people that I barely see or communicate with that took the time to send me happy birthday wishes. As I'm lying in bed watching my favorite YouTube channel "MadameNoire", I stumble upon a wedding video of Gabrielle and Dwyane Wade's wedding, I'm impressed by it all and it got me to thinking. The way they looked at each other was uplifting, I want someone to look at me that way. So I thought about it for a few seconds and wondered how does that happen and then I thought about a prior moment in the video when Gabrielle looked at herself in the mirror with her wedding gown on and there was a look of love and admiration for herself and it took me to those Mary J Blige "Be Happy" lyrics "How can I love somebody else if I can't love myself enough to know when it's time to let go", during the wedding video Kevin Hart made a speech about being happy, I said to myself it's all connected finding happiness, loving yourself and loving others but how do we get there? The video ended and I went back to my favorite YouTube channel.

About an hour later as Facebook notifications flooded my timeline with birthday wishes, I came across the post Erica put up about #AllSummerSixteen and the blog. I knew exactly what I needed to write about, exactly what my goal would be, to fall in love with myself, to let go, to be able to look at ME in a mirror and feel a genuine love and admiration for the reflection, I want to see me and not what I think others see in me.  

I've experienced so much emotional trauma in my life that I don't know when or if I've ever been completely in love with myself, so I don't know if I've ever really been in love, except my first love SB (Late Teens), I think we really loved each other for who we were at the time and but we were still kids, with my other "first" MB (Late Teens-Early 20's), I think we grew to love each other as friends well after our relationship ended, NR (Late 20's-Early 30's) he showed me the most love I've known, emotionally and physically, he was the nicest to me when we were together and he was the first man to make me feel like a woman but when it was over it was over, LW (My 30's) never loved me because he didn't know how but he made me see who I really was and how I really felt about myself, he was a reflection of who and how I was down deep and dark inside, he brought out the best and worst in me and it's because of him that I now know I need to find every reason to fall in love with ME! I have to let go of who or what I was and admire the woman, friend, confidant, educator, business owner and human being that I've become.

Brene Brown says "Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."

Join me as I tackle accountability, vulnerability, letting go, falling in love with ME, exploring my darkness and the infinite power of my light

As I'm wrapping up this post I received this from a dear friend that brought tears to my eyes.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAZ!!! You are such a wonderful friend and you bring so much positivity to our circle. I wish you so many blessed moments and and endless happiness!! Love you!!"

Here's to being loved and being happy!!

#iWrite #TruthOnly #EvenWhenItHurts #ITISEntertainment #AllSummerSixteen