It's Okay to Be Good at Things

I've never known how to take a compliment, and I'm one of those people who tends to dim her own light so that others may shine. I tell myself I do it because I want the other person to feel good about themselves, and I don't mind taking a back seat because, well, isn't it enough to know I'm great? Do I have to force it down the world's throat? Yes. Yes I do. 

This is something I've been working on for a couple of weeks now. Letting someone compliment me. Boasting (not in a rude way) about the things I do well. Letting others see my greatness. Taking a chance on all of this not killing me (because of course that's the irrational fear in me--if I accept this greatness it could very well kill me. Don't even ask me to explain it.) 

So here's what I've had to accept and say back to myself: I have a strong body for being so injured and out of shape. I can live more than I care to admit, and I can hold a plank for at least a minute if I really put my mind to it. I am a talented writer, and I can ride this talent all the way to the top. I shouldn't let rejections piss me off or make me bitter; I know better. 

A lot of the publishing business is who you know, not always how good you are. There are a lot of good writers. A rejection doesn't mean I suck. I can be a good partner. Despite the persona I've cultivated all these years (online and off) I'm not that Jaded. I can like people and be good to them, and in turn let them like and be good to me. I can let someone look in my eyes and tell me I'm wonderful and not mush them in the face (true story) or assume they're lying or make a self-deprecating joke to deflect attention. Ahhh. That felt good. 

Now if only I didn't have to repeat it to myself over and over. If only it could just seep in and undo 40 years of nonsense thinking. But, baby steps. I'm still working out. I'm still writing (and editing and moving forward with my literary projects). 

And the third thing is none of your business, but let's just say I smile a bit more these days. It's a daily struggle; kinda feels good to talk about it, though. And it will be even better when it's all second nature to me to say and know and feel that it's okay to be good at things and to be happy in life. It's not all about struggle. This is what I'm fighting. But surely I'll win, right? Any day now...