Happy Birthday to Me!

I just turned 27 years old, and for the first time in my life I've celebrated with a long birthday weekend!

This is a big deal.

This is actually monumental for me.

Children of narcissistic mothers do not get to have celebrations.

Graduating from high school and then from college were not as joyous as one would hope because my mother was hungry and "ready to go".

My mother took it upon herself to inform everyone at my engagement party that she was sooooo  happy for the occasion because I'd been depressed and crying watching my friends get engaged before me....which was not true. Was I anxiously longing and awaiting? Yes! But depressed and weeping? Not quite.  ( Even if it WERE true....why would you share that with everyone in attendance?)

My sister and I were usually in tears by the end of our birthdays growing up because mother had found some reason to lecture/discipline us...usually revolving around the fact that we were not giving her enough credit for bringing us into the world.

Even when I moved 6.5 hours away, the mind-control and fear followed all the way up I-95, and every holiday and celebration was full of dread, counting down the hours until I would talk with her on the phone.

Am I calling her today?
Will she call me?
When is too late to call?
When is too early to call?
How long will the conversation have to last?
What will we talk about?
I can't sound too happy or occupied or she will go on complaining about how nice it must be for me to have a social life and how lonely she is. 

My mind wouldn't stop racing, but not this year.

NOT THIS YEAR.

This year, I would breathe easy.

Thursday, I ate M&Ms for dinner, and they were delicious. THEN, my aunt arrived from South Carolina and was describing delicious southern fish and grits....so my husband, aunt, and I got up and drove to get some delicious Sea Food and I ate again...a wonderful fried flounder sandwich with sweet potato fries...and it was amazing!! I've lost over 20 lbs in the last 3 months with dedication, and I was going to enjoy myself!! And I did!

Friday, my aunt ventured to camp with me! We had a great time, and my kids sang happy birthday to me, and some even made me cards. After work, we chilled and had a mini-marathon of So You Think You Can Dance.

Saturday (birthday!), I had to breathe and tell myself it is ok to not answer the phone if my mom calls. I also had to breathe and tell myself it is ok to live happily if she doesn't call, and my life is better for it. Hopefully it means that she realizes I will not subject myself to her abusive mind games any longer, and I do not need her approval to be happy. There are better birthday gifts in life than well-wishes from someone who loves so conditionally.

My father called me, and I couldn't answer because I was in a Spa waiting room. My husband arranged for me to get an hour long massage and then a 15 minute Hydro massage. *woah* It was amazing and so needed.  -Breathe -  My father is not my mother. He will not be upset that I could not stop my life and would not disturb others with my phone conversation just to appease him. My father will still love me and be kind when I call him later.

My aunt (who looks remarkably like my mother) was with us as we went from birthday surprise to birthday surprise, and I had to breathe and realize that she was happy to celebrate with me....not sad that we did not make the day all about her since she travelled to join us.

What is this existence? Am I actually celebrating with people who actually want to celebrate me?

Sunday, we went to church and then Mango Mangeaux! Delicious food! More celebration!

I wasn't quite sure what structure to give this blog entry, but since we are documenting evolution, I just wanted to provide a quick overview of a few days of this past week and how I decided to have a happy birthday instead of letting myself go down the spiral?

Why doesn't my mother want to celebrate with me?
I've lost so many chances to celebrate. 
She doesn't want to call me. Should I call her?
Should I call her?
Should I call her?
It's really just like any other day.
No one will want to celebrate me. They've got better things to do. 


I decided to silence those voices, and as a result, I've had the best birthday of my life, and I'm looking forward to many many more.

Unwinding

Enter the 10-day stint with a 5'7 sociopath. 

Whew, glad that's over.

June 30.

It's official. I packed my belongings and left my job. 9 years of what most people called a career, I called Limbo. That's the interesting thing about it, you learn a lot but you keep yourself busy to avoid being engulfed by indecisiveness. Why did I hate that job so much? Yes, I held different positions, but they all had the same outcome--no growth. I should mention, having a mild stroke at 27 will really shift everything. 

"But you had a retirement plan, benefits, a set schedule, you can take time off whenever you want. No weekends. You were dumb to leave."

 I've never felt more alive. Doing something for yourself, living on your own terms is a concept I still haven't grasped at 28...and that's okay. I don't own a house, I have no children, I'm single. Gotta be more selfish more often. 

4th of July weekend. 

I've already been promoted in the job I want. It's crazy. So many things are happening and I don't know how to process it all. I'm blessed and confused because I think things are moving way too fast for me to comprehend.

7/11

I hope you got your slurpee and posed for Bey one time. 

I realize what it means to have one job. It makes you budget...which is something I don't do well at all. Seriously. Every day presents a new challenge there, but I get to leave work at work. Which is wonderful.

7/18 and towards end of July:

Anxiety has packed and gone on a sabbatical. Depression, well, we're working on her, too. My mind is starting to clear and as the fog subsides, the picture is presenting itself. There's so much I still need to get done, but I'm headed in the right direction. 

Remember: a day at a time. Nothing is overnight. Storms don't last forever. 

Peace.

It's Okay to Be Good at Things

I've never known how to take a compliment, and I'm one of those people who tends to dim her own light so that others may shine. I tell myself I do it because I want the other person to feel good about themselves, and I don't mind taking a back seat because, well, isn't it enough to know I'm great? Do I have to force it down the world's throat? Yes. Yes I do. 

This is something I've been working on for a couple of weeks now. Letting someone compliment me. Boasting (not in a rude way) about the things I do well. Letting others see my greatness. Taking a chance on all of this not killing me (because of course that's the irrational fear in me--if I accept this greatness it could very well kill me. Don't even ask me to explain it.) 

So here's what I've had to accept and say back to myself: I have a strong body for being so injured and out of shape. I can live more than I care to admit, and I can hold a plank for at least a minute if I really put my mind to it. I am a talented writer, and I can ride this talent all the way to the top. I shouldn't let rejections piss me off or make me bitter; I know better. 

A lot of the publishing business is who you know, not always how good you are. There are a lot of good writers. A rejection doesn't mean I suck. I can be a good partner. Despite the persona I've cultivated all these years (online and off) I'm not that Jaded. I can like people and be good to them, and in turn let them like and be good to me. I can let someone look in my eyes and tell me I'm wonderful and not mush them in the face (true story) or assume they're lying or make a self-deprecating joke to deflect attention. Ahhh. That felt good. 

Now if only I didn't have to repeat it to myself over and over. If only it could just seep in and undo 40 years of nonsense thinking. But, baby steps. I'm still working out. I'm still writing (and editing and moving forward with my literary projects). 

And the third thing is none of your business, but let's just say I smile a bit more these days. It's a daily struggle; kinda feels good to talk about it, though. And it will be even better when it's all second nature to me to say and know and feel that it's okay to be good at things and to be happy in life. It's not all about struggle. This is what I'm fighting. But surely I'll win, right? Any day now...