On June 10, 2009 a young lady named Kelsey
published a Facebook note entitled "one of these days ima be a beast
dammit [random thoughts on life && poetry]." Horrible grammar and
punctuation choices aside, in it she poured her heart out about how she wanted
to be a better poet and all of these action steps she would take to make that
happen. And you know what came of that passionate post? Nothing. The note
disappeared from her memory shortly after Facebook buried it with other fun
distractions and all of the confidence displayed was quickly replaced with
fear. The usual..
Surprise! That girl is me. And I am still
struggling with "being a beast" but not for the reasons 18 year old
Kelsey was focused on. I would be silly and a liar to say that my poetry is not
"good". Over the past year, I've come into my own writing style and
experienced significant breakthroughs. But this post is about sharing struggles
so I can be honest among friends right? I still feel like a fraud. Maybe fraud
isn't the accurate word but it pops up in my head the most. I constantly feel,
when in the spaces that poets reside, I'm just a girl that occasionally does
poetry.
Recently, while visiting my best friend
in Maryland, I begged her to take me to Busboys and Poets. It was a venue I heard
a lot about and was excited to see what the DC poetry scene had to offer. I was
overwhelmed as usual but surprisingly once I got on stage I felt extremely
free. I allowed myself my words to float off the stage and was really tapping
into the emotional space I was in while writing. Dope right?
When I returned to my seat the host asked
"You said you're from San Diego, are you an artist out there?"
And I froze.
Approximately 30 seconds after one of
the freest performances of my life, I was prepared to reassume the role of
unassuming and downplay my aspirations once again. Though I've made great
strides in my writing and delivery, I have hesitated to use the label artist or
poet or anything that implies I have mastery of my craft. It sounds too legit.
Lucky for me, my BFF is the down ass chick Ja
Rule crooned about and she answered yes for me. What I lacked in confidence was
overshadowed by her resolve and the night continued. However, for days
that scenario played over and over in my head. Why was I hell bent on not
embracing compliments and acceptance? What was blocking me from breaking out of
my comfort zone. I knew that I had to fix my life and get to
the root of my problems like a kinder Iyanla.
I wish that I could blame my confidence woes
on the list of people in my life who have hurt me but that wouldn't be the
self-actualized thing to do. At the end of the day, I have chosen to
internalize the negative messages that insist I don't deserve good things. As
my birthday sister Beyoncé would
say, I'm supposed to be my own best friend. And I have been a crappy
person to the girl in the mirror. My self-sabotage game is strong and
I constantly run away from opportunities that excite me but require me
being seen. Being seen means allowing a space for my feelings to be critiqued
and my heart to be exposed. When I am seen, it means I am letting the world
know that I am trying to do something I'm not a master of while simultaneously
creating an opportunity for public failure. That terrifies me. Yet, true growth
rarely happens in the shadows. I've been out here, stilted and mad that I'm not
progressing while steadily running from the work that will get me there. This
isn't the legacy I want to leave. So I'm taking the first step: I'm publicly
admitting I want things. Nice ones.
This summer, I'm taking a page from Auntie Shonda and saying yes to greatness. At the end of the summer, Slam season will start in San Diego and I want to be in the number of contenders. But more than that, I want to feel I deserve any and all great things my heart desires and be willing to put the work in that is required. I will not downplay my talent and I will allow myself to be seen and grow. A more self-love filled Kelsey coming at you #AllSummer16
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