I turned 36 today, I'm warm and clammy, my body aches, my head pounds, congested beyond belief, stuck in bed. I scroll through the 89 happy birthday post that I had received by 12:20 pm, June 26, 2016. I'm touched by the amount of people that I barely see or communicate with that took the time to send me happy birthday wishes. As I'm lying in bed watching my favorite YouTube channel "MadameNoire", I stumble upon a wedding video of Gabrielle and Dwyane Wade's wedding, I'm impressed by it all and it got me to thinking. The way they looked at each other was uplifting, I want someone to look at me that way. So I thought about it for a few seconds and wondered how does that happen and then I thought about a prior moment in the video when Gabrielle looked at herself in the mirror with her wedding gown on and there was a look of love and admiration for herself and it took me to those Mary J Blige "Be Happy" lyrics "How can I love somebody else if I can't love myself enough to know when it's time to let go", during the wedding video Kevin Hart made a speech about being happy, I said to myself it's all connected finding happiness, loving yourself and loving others but how do we get there? The video ended and I went back to my favorite YouTube channel.
About an hour later as Facebook notifications flooded my timeline with birthday wishes, I came across the post Erica put up about #AllSummerSixteen and the blog. I knew exactly what I needed to write about, exactly what my goal would be, to fall in love with myself, to let go, to be able to look at ME in a mirror and feel a genuine love and admiration for the reflection, I want to see me and not what I think others see in me.
I've experienced so much emotional trauma in my life that I don't know when or if I've ever been completely in love with myself, so I don't know if I've ever really been in love, except my first love SB (Late Teens), I think we really loved each other for who we were at the time and but we were still kids, with my other "first" MB (Late Teens-Early 20's), I think we grew to love each other as friends well after our relationship ended, NR (Late 20's-Early 30's) he showed me the most love I've known, emotionally and physically, he was the nicest to me when we were together and he was the first man to make me feel like a woman but when it was over it was over, LW (My 30's) never loved me because he didn't know how but he made me see who I really was and how I really felt about myself, he was a reflection of who and how I was down deep and dark inside, he brought out the best and worst in me and it's because of him that I now know I need to find every reason to fall in love with ME! I have to let go of who or what I was and admire the woman, friend, confidant, educator, business owner and human being that I've become.
Brene Brown says "Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare.
Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."
Join me as I tackle accountability, vulnerability, letting go, falling in love with ME, exploring my darkness and the infinite power of my light
As I'm wrapping up this post I received this from a dear friend that brought tears to my eyes.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAZ!!! You are such a wonderful friend and you bring so much positivity to our circle. I wish you so many blessed moments and and endless happiness!! Love you!!"
Here's to being loved and being happy!!
#iWrite #TruthOnly #EvenWhenItHurts #ITISEntertainment #AllSummerSixteen
No comments:
Post a Comment